THOMAS

It would. You’ve just been brain-washed by the mainstream media, telling you that how you find your happiness is wrong. (Pointing to James) How does drinking make you feel?

 

JAMES

I guess it’s an escape.

 

THOMAS

An escape. And are you happy?

 

JAMES

Sometimes, unless I have too much.

 

THOMAS

But what is too much?

 

JAMES

When I do things I don’t remember and hurt others.

 

THOMAS

But how are you hurting others?

 

JAMES

By letting them down. I crashed my car. I could’ve had my son in the car.

 

THOMAS

But did you?

 

JAMES

No.

 

THOMAS

Exactly. You didn’t. And you were being judged by your ex-wife. What if I told you, she’s the one who’s wrong? She takes away your kid. Did she end the marriage?

 

JAMES

Yes.

 

THOMAS

And why?

 

JAMES

Because I couldn’t keep a job. I showed up to work drunk a couple of times.

 

THOMAS

And those people at work. They wanted you sober? For what? Do you think if they let you drink on the job, you would be better?

 

JAMES

Maybe. It was so boring. I would’ve definitely had more fun.

 

THOMAS

Exactly. They’ve been holding you back from your fun and happiness.

 

JAMES

But I’m not happy when people leave my life.

 

THOMAS

But that’s on them. That’s not on you. You are not wrong for trying to be happy, more calm and relaxed. There are times when you get really happy and relaxed. What’s wrong with that? And you (pointing to Jane), how does drinking make you feel?

 

JANE

Free. Happy.

 

THOMAS

Free and happy. Fuck yeah! And the world is trying to hold you back from that.

 

JANE

Yeah, but I almost broke my neck.

 

THOMAS

But did you?

 

JANE

No...

 

THOMAS

Exactly. Accidents happen all the time and you’re fine. You’re here, talking to me, perfectly fine, and they want to take away your freedom and happiness, just so you can be miserable and insufferable like the rest of them. They can’t see you’re perfect. The fact that you’re different, makes people scared. They don’t want to admit they’re scared because then they might have fun and be free also.

 

JANE

Is this a game? Is this reverse psychology? I thought I was in rehab.

 

THOMAS

You are, but I’m here to tell you that all of them, out there, are wrong. You don’t have to change.  They’ve been telling you so long, that (pointing to James) you, (pointing to Jane) and you are wrong. When they are too ignorant to see the benefits of alcohol in your lives.

 

JAMES

But the court says I have to be here. I have to stop drinking otherwise I won’t be able to see my son again.

 

THOMAS

Don’t worry. I have a friend who’ll surely change the court to control the laws. Then we’ll go back to the good old days.

 

JAMES

What do you mean?

 

THOMAS

I mean, you’ll be able to drink and drive. Cars are safer now than they’ve ever been, yet they haven’t increased the blood alcohol limit for driving. And why is it that all your tax money should go to state funded facilities that waste their resources. I’ll be convincing my friend to give the people a tax break for Ubers and we’ll save money and lives.

 

JAMES

Are you serious?  I’ll be able to see my son?

 

THOMAS

Of course. Let me tell you my story. My story is similar to both of yours. I was told for years I wasn’t good enough. Ha! Told I would never become a counselor. And then in 2011, my predecessor made jokes that had everyone laughing at me. And I vowed to get my revenge. And do (looking at Jane) you know what happened?

 

JANE

You got clean and became a counselor.

 

THOMAS

Oh no, sweetheart. I never drank because my brother died from alcoholism. I find alcohol absolutely disgusting and find those who drink to be weak of mind.

 

JANE

But, I thought I smelled it on you.

 

(Thomas pulls out a bottle of alcohol [any size or type will do] and shakes it in her face.)

 

THOMAS

Come here.

 

(Thomas gets close to Jane’s face and kisses her without her consent. Jane pushes him away.)

 

THOMAS

I know this is what you want.

 

JANE

Maybe some alcohol, but not you.

 

THOMAS

We’ll see about that later. Come back to my room and (shaking the bottle in front of her) I’ll give you some. I know you’ll like the way I grab you.

 

JANE

Doubtful, but ok...

 

THOMAS

Ok, but back to my story. Stop interrupting me. Where was I? Yes, this immigrant counselor, who said he was born in the US, which we all know is a lie. And these immigrants, you know they’re rapists and murderers, but some of the best people are immigrants. My wife in fact. So in 2015, I knew what I had to do. Do (pointing to James) you know what I did?

 

JAMES

At this point, not a clue.

 

THOMAS

I decided to run for president of the conglomerate that runs 30 rehab facilities. And I spoke straight to the residents. The people in these rehab facilities should have a say in how they want their rehab to go, so that’s what I did. And do you know what happened?