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Home / Issue 35 / to feel pretty

to feel pretty

By Anai Gonzalez

i barely ate all day to prevent bloating
doesn’t matter anyway, i had no one to dance with
never really minded the music too much
so long as bodies were in motion
with bottles and weed smoke on rotation

i bought new makeup and spent hours getting ready
still not feeling comfortable, as if wearing someone else’s skin
realizing i’d be much better off barefaced, in sweats
with only the screen’s glow on my skin
prep was more entertaining than the night itself

i agreed to shots and bong hits and joints
anything to drown out the noise in my head
and this music i don’t listen to through the speakers
peer pressure will drag you to the corners of the world
nobody cares about me, but at least i’m free of their judgment

i stared at my reflection for hours under close scrutiny
paying attention to details of minimal significance
tried so hard to convince myself of lies with the help of filters
compliments are backhanded, they say them out of pity
please spare me these niceties that i refuse to believe

i asked for reassurance but only looked crazier
they were most likely not checking for me anyway
although validation does not satiate my uneasiness
ceasing to exist is for defeating your worst enemy
the only salvation from your own worst critic.

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